WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.