it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.