whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.