I am midnight drunk by noon
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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