watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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