are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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