life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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