well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
