I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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