I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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