I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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