I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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