need another drink. this is the easiest way
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
