I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
