my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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