roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Randomize
