My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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