those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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