I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm like, not good at living.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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