she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
