I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
