i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
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i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
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Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.