so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
