you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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