The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
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I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
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Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
BRING THE BAGELS
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize