he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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