I skipped work to stalk him.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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