Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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