did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
