Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
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one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
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Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.