I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out