Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
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I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
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Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?