so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
