the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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