Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
