my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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