Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
