guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
