so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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