OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
