I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize