Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
