I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
