So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
They are going to name an STD after you.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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