doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
