Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
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