I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
