i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
