How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
