I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
