I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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