I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
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Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
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I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Then again, he has huge mansions.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.