Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
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I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
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I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not